what's in, what's out, and what I'm gonna do

Happy New Year!

It’s a national holiday which means I’m legally obligated to revive the substack and give my two cents on 2022. There are literally three 2’s in the year so I’m not sure why mine is needed, but I’m not one to hold back. I just, only one google ago, learned that it’s two cents and not two sense. I would assume you would want sense and not pennies but to each their own. I don’t even have enough money to my name to give each reader two cents, and I don’t have that many subscribers. 

Since I’m a young girl with my pulse on what’s in and what’s out (or at least that’s what I say in my cover letters when applying to internships!), I am legally obligated to provide you all with a list. I am sorry to my parents’ friends if it’s vulgar. 

What’s In: 

• Listening to podcasts on the treadmill

• Having your uber year in review be 200+ rides 

• Not buying makeup but going to sephora in Union Square to try ‘em all out

• Procrastinating losing your virginity 

• Eating upwards of 4 meals a day 

• Understanding that smoothies are not a meal no matter what they tell you 

• Laughing with your friends and even laughing at your friends to the point of physical and emotional pain 

• Tuna in all forms, mostly salad or spicy

• Asking for parmesan cheese and red pepper flakes regardless of the cuisine

• Places like chipotle for every kind of food (ex. cava) 

• Gallivanting around places like you own them

• Going to an event for under 3 minutes and announcing you’re leaving to everyone in attendance 

• Acting like Junie b. Jones as an adult 

• Tweeting your thoughts regardless of whether or not they should be public

• Taking a solo train cross country and writing about it like it’s groundbreaking

• Mid-rise jeans 

• Honey mustard 

• Honey mixed with spicy 

• Dijon 

• Mayo as a dipping sauce 

• Going to shows alone

• Needing therapy but not having time to schedule it 

• Buying a journal and writing in it once 

• Lenwich and Jersey Mikes 

• Tableside anything

• Big coats I can’t afford

• Pharmaceutical cocktails

• Em-dashes (—)

• Love platonically 

• One woman shows 

• Saying “in this economy” 

• Waterparks and even theme parks 

• Walking in without a reservation and being accommodated regardless

• Going to McDonalds “just for diet coke” and leaving with fries and a mcflurry too 

• Diet Coke in a little glass bottle 

What’s Out:

• Grammar 

• Rain

• Posting celebrity deaths like you knew them personally 

• Making plans more than 24 hours in advance

• Being alone

• Straight white men who aren’t Jewish

• Lowercase typing unless it’s a tweet

• Veganism (sorry, Ilyssa) 

• Being gluten free by choice (sorry again, Ilyssa) 

• Skinny jeans but we knew this 

• Writing jobs asking for writing samples 

• Exclusivity 

• Vaping 

• Whoopi Goldberg 

• Anti-Semitism

• Online shopping 

• Rewatching shows, unfortch 

• Gossip Girl (2021) 

• Having a substack lol

• Los Angeles, California 

• Charging more for gluten free bread/pasta 

• Taking upwards of 6 hours to respond to a text

• Going to the doctor because it’s better for my mental health not to and mental health should be just as important as physical health 

• American cheese 

• High rise and low rise jeans 

• Jeans as a concept 

• Tattoos 

• Elon Musk and his kind 

• STEM

• Talking about Trump in 2023, unless he dies which wouldn’t suck 

• Acrylic nails 

• Buying people flowers 

• Broccolini 

• Unsalted cashews 

• Abstaining politically 

New Year’s Resolutions: 

• Actually have one week where I don’t think my life is over

• Have sex!! 

• Get more than 3 likes on twitter

• Workout and not tell everyone that I worked out 

• Be on a podcast!!! 

• Become a nepotism baby via osmosis 

• Write a pilot and sell it to Disney channel 

• Connect with a straight male twice 

• Get jeans that look awesome and feel awesome 

• Cook once 

• Call Taylor up metaphorically

• Get a blowout and make it last more than 36 hours 

• Be inclusive but look exclusive 

• Be in conflict in public but make it art 

• Get something done for once

• Buy black knee high boots 

• Be a Shoshanna, not a Marnie

• Write this newsletter every other week

Well, thank you so much for reading and thank you for subscribing at some point in 2022. Hopefully, I’ll be coming to you via prose and lists and maybe even poems and pilots in 2023. 

Me, at this time last year

XOXO

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