Hello friends and family and others,
You would think that I would only be addressing friends and family in my little newsletter, but believe it or not, others also care about what I have to say once a week. At this point, others are truly my family. Speaking of family, yesterday was Father’s Day! As you know, I wrote an ICONIC newsletter that made a few of you cry on Mother’s Day (you can read it here). I set the bar really really high, so I must outdo myself for Father’s Day, and I really really must since this is an entire day late.
My dad is the coolest person on the planet and one of my very best friends. The man decided to learn how to play guitar in his fifties and now he has his own dad band. The band was started during COVID, which is actually the current era because the virus has decided to become a permanent part of our lives (in the states that actually care about your health, survival, happiness, education, reproductive rights, etc). So, of course, the band is called Social Distance. And his band is maybe the least cool thing about him.
My dad also has this rare disease where he tells you he invented everything. If you go to college, my dad will tell you that he did in fact invent college. He also invented every drinking game, eating, reading, talking, having a pet, watching tv, pacing, golf, the stock market, and so much more. But mostly, he invented college. He is obsessed with college, obsessed with going for as long as you can go, obsessed with learning, obsessed with his frat and his frat bros, obsessed with UCLA and all their sports. He made a life for himself in which he gets to still be in college, even in his fifties. He is always learning, mostly from Rachel Maddow, but sometimes from books and newspapers and Twitter. His life is a socratic seminar in which he is in the middle and talks and paces and when it’s his turn to be in the outside circle he says “uh huh uh huh” but really he is listening.
Here are some more of his inventions:
Being Smart: My dad is truly the smartest person in America, and as a kid I used to always tell him to run for president. And as a kid, a principal told him or his mother (I don’t remember) that he would be the first Jewish president. He knows everything about politics and even if you think he’s wrong, he’s usually right.
Living your best life: He’s also smart beyond books and knowledge, in that he knows the best way to live life. If we’re at a show or a sporting event and we have shitty seats, Gary Cohen will guarantee that when the time is right, you sneak up a few rows, because there is always an empty seat that’s better. He doesn’t like to wait, nor does he have patience, so theme parks are full of “child-swap” and underground cut-the-line pyramid schemes.
Navigation: He knows how to get anywhere in New York, LA, and San Francisco if you tell him what street a place is on — literally anywhere without a map.
Being a dad and a father figure: My dad mostly loves being a dad. He has always been the dad who wants to be there for the kids that don’t have dads, maybe because he's a kid at heart and just wants another friend, but mostly because he’s caring and empathetic. He taught so many of my friends how to ride a bike.
Going to college and grad school: His advice to every person in high school and college and maybe even post-grad is to go for as long as you can go. He thinks that 1. You should learn as much as you can while you’re young and 2. You should take advantage of not having to work for as long as you can.
Newspapers: When my dad was finishing college, he made his own newspaper called The Village View. So, now you know where I get my talent.
LA: If you tell my dad that you went to _____ place in LA, he’ll tell you that he invented it and that he used to go there.
Well-done fries: My father invented the only acceptable way to order french fries at a restaurant, you’re welcome.
Going to concerts: If you haven’t been to a concert with my father, you haven’t lived. He only knows how to go VIP, or as he says “viperstein”
Salad: My dad loves nothing more than a salad. He knows exactly which dressings to mix, which toppings to add, the exact ratio, the best lettuce. With him, the salad is the meal and it’s actually filling.
Trespassing: If there’s an open house, a house that’s starting construction, or really any property that’s easy to get into, my dad will get into it. He loves to watch a fixer upper as it’s being fixed up. He definitely had an HGTV show in another life.
Having a dog: Nobody is more obsessed with their pets than my father. He is in romantic love with our dog Hank, and I don’t blame him.
My ability to read: When I was two, my dad bought the Hooked On Phonics reading kit. It taught me not only how to read, but that learning can be fun. I am forever grateful that I can read and even write!
Menchies: Even though my dad is always kind of on keto, he’s always at Menchies, getting yogurt in a cone shaped bowl with every topping. It’s crazy how he can truly redefine keto.
Life: In a way, he kind of invented my life, but mostly he invented how to live a fun life. As my mother always says, it’s Gary’s world and we’re all just living in it.
Happy Father’s Day to my dad who I absolutely love and adore, and to all the dads out there!
XOXO
